We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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