Don't make out with my wife yet
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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