There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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