Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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