My room smells like vodka and shame
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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