I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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