So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
