I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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