the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
