There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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