Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize