He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
