we're chasing vodka with high fives
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize