The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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