Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you inspire me to be a worse person
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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