that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
