my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
