yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
