toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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