ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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