Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
