i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
