I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
