If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
