the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
