y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
