Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
