If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
