My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
