You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
