i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
