we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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