My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
