party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
