My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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