i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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