dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
