dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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