We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
