i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
