Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
