I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
where are my eyebrows?
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