i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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