You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
