I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
