i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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