OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
