How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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