I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hippo gnu deer
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
