i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
