i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
