Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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