Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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