Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
