Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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