Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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