my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
