does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
