Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
