Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
whose ass print is on the piano?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
